Surprised that @acronis has hired e-mail marketing company to send spam advertising their software. Thought they were classier than that.
Oct 202011
Jun 292011
This great offer arrived in my inbox recently:
FREE HEROIN SHIPPING!
1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.
2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).
4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.
Everebody welcome, but not US citizens, sorry.
ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free.
Please contact: BJKATZ@********.COM
PHONE 0097(0)4554513
FAX 0097(0)4898091Afghanistan
I have only one question: why is there no item 3 on the list? OK, two questions: can I get free shipping for the rockets as well?
Aug 162010
Sometimes e-mail spam is the most entertaining thing I read all day. This one makes me laugh every time I reread it:
Subject: Bang 2 girls in the backseat
Having locker room problems, say goodbye to them with our improved recipe to power up
your d\ck
Backseat? Is that like "backdoor"? And if so, are both backseats being banged at the same time? I'm not sure I want an "improved recipe" that causes me to grown a second d\ck. Or do they mean I would be in the back seat of the car with 2 girls? Because that doesn't sound appealing, either—trying to fit three people in that space with room to do anything—unless the improved recipe magically shrinks us all down or makes the back seat much bigger.
And what about the "locker room problems" business? Aside from being unrelated to the subject line, are men really worried about enhancing their d\cks to impress other men in the locker room? Am I that out of touch with contemporary manhood?
Come on, marketers: think your message through a little bit.
Nov 242008
We were quite excited at work today when we got an e-mail from the U.S. Local Business Administration informing us that the company “has been selected for the 2008 Best of Fairfax Award in the Local Business category by the U.S. Local Business Association (USLBA).”
Yippee! Finally someone has recognized the extent to which we “enhance the positive image of small business through service to [our] customers and community”!
The message gave us a link to a press release announcing our selection, and to a page where we could order an official plaque (starting price: $80) to hang in the lobby to impress our customers.
Alas, it’s all just a scam, as a cursory Web search or perusal of the organization’s Web site reveals. What does the U.S. Local Business Administration do, exactly? Mostly they give “awards” to every business they can get an e-mail address for, to scam people into buying their stupid plaques. Their “information-packed web site” has a few single-paragraph business tips lifted verbatim from the site of the U.S. Small Business Administration (a legitimate organization that does not sell plaques).
We weren’t fooled, of course, and wondered how anyone else could be. But if you do a search for “U.S. Local Business Administration” you will find, tucked in amongst numerous scam reports, many (more than we would have thought possible, actually) Web sites proudly listing the award. And actual press releases, released by actual companies and posted on actual PR news services, complete with quotes from actual CEOs, proudly announcing the receipt of the award.
For example, this one from Triton Pacific Capital Partners. Investment tip: don’t give any money to the folks at Triton Pacific Capital Partners. No telling what sort of make-believe things they will “invest” it in.
We now wonder how many of these companies actually shelled out money for the plaques, and we wonder whether we aren’t in the wrong line of work entirely. We’ve always said that making money by exploiting the stupid is much easier than writing software.
Just in time for independence day an online dating site delivered to me the following heartwarming, and, frankly, inspiring personal note from a modeller named Sussy George who was kind enough to say that I meet her criteria for what she is looking for in a man: “fora good and nice man whohas the mind of God fora date.” Sussy writes:
Goodday, in the course of human events, when opportunity presents itself that one meets someone whose qualities fits in with ones desired “dream mates”, the demand of history has it that one must fully utilize such opportunity because it may never re-occur again Such now is the coincidence that occurred while I was reading thru profiles on this site. it is a fortune for me that I came across ur profile. Reading thru it I found it interesting and suiting for my kind of person, it is once said; “The most beautiful things on earth cannot be seen, it can only be felt from the heart. He that looks into the heart sees clearer” I have developed a feeling and need to know you better and establish a closer relationship with you soonest if you desire. “The meeting of two personality is like the contact of two chemical substances ; if there is a reaction ,both lives are transformed” and testimonies are sharedThis is sussy George, born by a nigeria father and an american mother.a modeller, network analyst, currently in nigeria taking care of my fathers property .born and raise in boring 8miles from hampstead in Maryland , USA.I am also single and i live alone,i hope u never mind the Simplicity ,appraisal, long introduction, it is a way of expressing my feelings toward your profile. Even the only book (1Corinthians 13:4–13) talk about it….Now however, there remain Faith, Hope and Love These three, but the Greatest of these is Love”. i might the love of you life you are looking for. Never mind the distance,race,culture and background. If you won’t mind reply me back through Sussy_lauren@yahoo.com to show your interest and we shall both takeit from there
i care
sussy
[sic, generally]
I am so touched by the fact that she cares that I am almost willing to overlook certain shortcomings (like the facts that she is incoherent, Christian, living in Nigeria, and the totally fictitious creation of people trying to get me to send money to them), obey the demand of history, and utilize my opportunity in case it never re-occurs again.
If you are bored sometime, dear reader, spend a few moments crafting a suitable reply to Sussy. Post it here or contact her yourself (Sussy_lauren@yahoo.com). This could be the start of something special.
Jun 212006
I used to get a lot of mail from Russian mail-order brides. Well, they pretend to be hot Russian women in their e-mail messages, but I assume they’re just bait for scams that involve stupid, lonely American men wiring money to god knows where.
Anyway, the messages always read as though they were translated into English through the Google Translator. You know: hilariously bad English. But occasionally the results were accidentally poetic. I had the idea to save them and make a book or Web site or something. But somehow I lost them all, except one, and I haven’t received any new ones lately. So, for posterity, before I forget again, here it is:
I in a life very mobile woman and to like me sports.Especially I like to float.
I like to walk on autumn park,
It is very romantic.
It’s a haiku, in spirit if not in meter.
I don’t know what my point was here. Oh, right: If you’ve got anything like this turning up in your inbox, let me know. Maybe I can still make something of it.
As a bonus, since this hasn’t been very interesting so far, here’s an acquaintance’s story about Russian mail-order brides:
A friend of mine married a Russian mail-order bride. Anya was smart, pretty, and had a cat who would claw your eyes out given half a chance. I took her and another Russian girlfriend of mine to a work party, which bizarrely enough was held at a converted strip club, and after about ten shots of vodka I found myself up on stage with Anya and Jenya doing a fully-clothed pole dance. I was promoted about a month later. I was going somewhere with this story, but I can’t remember now. I guess the moral is that if you do marry a Russian mail-order bride, don’t take her to a work party with you. Unless you want to get a raise, that is.
Jan 312005
The story of “Alicia,” whose picture you’ve almost certainly seen in more than one online ad or spam e-mail.
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