Posts for Category R.I.P.

Jul 062006

Kuja In May, in–I’m sorry, Laura, I’m sure you’re a very nice person but I have to say it—one of the worst pieces of writing I have ever seen in The Washington Post (well, outside the Sports, Sunday Source, and Religion sections), we learned that when he’s not busy offering unqualified opinions on brain-dead women, Bill Frist likes to perform surgery on gorillas at the National Zoo.

An excerpt to give you an idea of the awfulness of the writing and of the inanity of Frist’s pronouncements:

“This is home,” Frist said through his mask. “Where I spent 12 hours a day for 20 years.” [Bill’s note: this? right here? with the gorillas? Wait: I thought you did people!] Frist spent so much time in the hospital in Tennessee that when he came home to his wife and three sons he felt like an intruder.

He pressed his stethoscope to the gorilla’s chest and narrowed his eyes. Kuja, a silverback patriarch, was breathing isofluorine. He was the Senate majority leader of the gorillas, who negotiated disputes, back-slapped the ape boys and owned exclusive mating rights with the females [Bill’s note: WTF?!]. When Kuja started to stir, a veterinarian injected more anesthesia. One backhanded swipe could break Frist’s neck [Bill’s note: if only!].

Frist listened to the heart; the gorilla’s lub-dub sounded human. “When you’re this close, you feel this kind of oneness with them,” Frist said. The stink of ape sweat and gorilla testosterone soaked his hair and clothes. “Gorillas, people, men. You look at the people here, a symphonic flow of people pitching in. It’s the oneness of humanity.”

People and men? “Symphonic flow”? Are the gorillas part of the oneness of humanity, with the people and the men, or are they separate? Wait! The gorilla’s heart sounded human?! It’s a life! A sacred life! We need equal rights for gorilla fetuses!

Well, I could go on and on and on, but you don’t need me to because you can read the original article yourself and make your own jokes. But on Saturday (Canada Day!), Kuja died. No word on whether Frist was involved in this procedure.

Sorry, Kuja. It’s too bad you couldn’t have been known for something more dignified, instead of as a part of this bizarre political circus piece.

For more ridicule of the original story, see Wonkette and Hominid Views, or just go to Google and read until you can’t see through the tears of laughter any more.