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Posts for Category Humor

My new favorite Christmas song

 Posted by Bill on November 29, 2011 at 3:48 pm
Nov 292011
 

Last week’s Studio 360 included performances from Tim Minchin, who I don’t think I had ever heard of before. He finished up with “White Wine in the Sun,” in which he explains why he likes Christmas despite “the usual objections to consumerism / The commercialisation of an ancient religion / To the westernisation of a dead Palestinian / Press-ganged into selling Playstations and beer.”

The other songs he performed (“Prejudice” and “F**k the Poor) were great, too. Check them out here. Then listen to the rest of the show–you’ll probably like it.

 

 Humor, Music  No Responses »  
 

A cheaper alternative to spending $4.3 million for a dull photograph

 Posted by Bill on November 16, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Nov 162011
 

I don’t think I had ever heard of Andreas Gursky until I read yesterday that one of his photographs just sold for $4.3 million, making it the most expensive photograph ever sold. Christie’s auction house describes the photograph, Rhein II, as “a dramatic and profound reflection on human existence and our relationship to nature on the cusp of the 21st century.” OK. Whatever. Here’s the photograph:

Andreas Gursky's Rhein II

Andreas Gursky/Christie’s Images, Ltd., 2011

The Guardian reports that

The desolate featureless landscape shown in Rhine II is no accident: Gursky explained in an interview* that it is his favourite picture: “It says a lot using the most minimal means … for me it is an allegorical picture about the meaning of life and how things are.”

In fact the artist carefully digitally removed any intrusive features – dog walkers, cyclists, a factory building – until it was bleak enough to satisfy him.

That’s right: it’s not really even a photograph–it’s a Photoshop composition.

Well, I suppose the buyer will enjoy bragging about owning it.

cactusBut maybe your taste is different from mine, and you think that this “photograph” is interesting. Maybe you even hoped to purchase it, but got outbid. Well, here’s some good news. Shortly after I saw Rhein II, I happened to walk past a cactus that I have in my house, and noticed a similarity.

So I cropped a picture of it…

cactus detail …and then spent 10 minutes in Photoshop until I was satisfied that it was conveying my intended message about the meaning of life and how things are:

Bill's Cactus II photograph, which is almost as good as Gursky's Rhein II

It’s not my best Photoshop work, since I’m working without benefit of my dominant hand and also didn’t want to waste a lot of time on this, so I’m offering it for sale at the bargain price of $4,338.50, which is 0.1% of what Gursky’s photograph sold for. I’d say Cactus II is at least one tenth of one percent as interesting to look at as Rhein II is, so it seems like a fair price. Now, for this unbelievably low price, you’re getting an unframed print that’s about 30 inches long. I realize that part of the appeal of Gursky’s work is the large size of the prints. Therefore, I am also offering my photograph glass mounted at 80″ x 140″ (about the same size as Rhein II) for the still very reasonable price of $43,385.

Or, if you think that both Gursky’s photograph of the Rhein and mine of my cactus are actually quite dull†, by all means take a look through my gallery and see if there’s something else you’d like instead.

Notes

*
I tried to watch the documentary that contains this interview, but got bored before Gursky made his appearance. I’m still not sure that Ben Lewis, with his breathless enthusiasm for Gursky, isn’t having us on. ↵
†
For the record, I think some of Gursky’s other work is interesting. ↵
 Humor, Photography  No Responses »  
 

Link: Up in ur internets, shortening all the words

 Posted by Bill on November 4, 2011 at 4:03 pm  Humor, Language
Nov 042011
 

A humorously serious look at Ralph Fiennes’s claim that Twitter is eroding our language. It’s the sort of post that makes me want to be a linguist.

Continue reading at languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu  »
 

Big Brother is stalking me

 Posted by Bill on October 26, 2011 at 12:37 am
Oct 262011
 

Bill's head on a gold coinI don’t collect coins. I’ve never been interested in the topic other than that I think numismatics is a cool word (though not as cool as numismatism, which sadly isn’t a “real” word, or numismatology, which is).* I’ve never bought anything from the United States Mint or had any other dealings with them. If I’ve ever received mail from them before I’ve forgotten it. But I did recently spend a lot of time doing Web searches that involved the word coin for my post on “to coin a phrase.”  I even stopped by the US Mint Web site when I was looking for pictures to illustrate the post. So perhaps it’s no coincidence that I opened my mailbox the other day and found this:

envelope from the US Mint

Inside was the 2011 Fall Catalog of collectible coins. I do a few Web searches and all of a sudden the United States government thinks I might want to buy some coins? Creepy.

Continue reading »

 Humor, Language  No Responses »  Tagged with: , ,
 

Link: Wanna Live Forever? Become A Noun

 Posted by Bill on September 28, 2011 at 12:52 pm  Humor, Language
Sep 282011
 

Amusing song (and animation) from NPR’s Adam Cole and Robert Krulwich about people who have become nouns.

You’ve heard of Joseph-Ignace Guillotin but did you know there was an Étienne de Silhouette? Be sure to follow through to the Time/Life photo gallery of people who became nouns (though they don’t dance like the ones in the NPR animation).

Continue reading at npr.org  »
 Tagged with:

Update: The end is drawing nigher

 Posted by Bill on April 7, 2011 at 11:07 pm
Apr 072011
 

Did you know that Judgment Day is scheduled for May 21? If not, read my post from last year to get yourself caught up.

This week several Alert Readers sent me photos of this advertisement, which is up on buses and in subway stations here in Washington, DC:

Judgmentday

I was distracted by the guy on the right side of the ad, who seems to be taking a sunset crap on a beach, but Alert Reader T**** pointed out the gold seal of biblical guarantee on the left. Now I can’t decide which one is funnier.

The Family Radio site* has an even catchier graphic:

End_of_the_World

That’s right: 2012 is not allowed. This fits in with comments by one believer quoted in a recent Washington Post article about the zaniness: “God has put his stamp of approval that this is the day…I don’t doubt it, and I don’t look at the possibility of May 22 happening.”†

The full details of the biblical guarantee can be found in Family Radio’s FAQ:

THE GREAT AMOUNT OF BIBLICAL SIGNS AND PROOFS ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEE THAT JUDGMENT DAY WILL BEGIN ON MAY 21st THIS YEAR.

The FAQ has this information for doubters who do look at the possibility of May 22 happening:

What if May 21 ends and nothing occurs?

The Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong. Christ’s people can look with great confidence to this date because God promises His “beloved” He will not come upon them as a thief in the night.

God in His mercy has revealed the vital information needed to know the day. Judgment Day on May 21, 2011 will occur because the bible declares it. Anyone whom God has not saved will arrive at that day with no hope for salvation. God warns simply the “door will be shut.”

So what’s in store for us on May 21?

A great earthquake will occur the Bible describes it as “such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great.” This earthquake will be so powerful it will throw open all graves. The remains of the all the believers who have ever lived will be instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies to be forever with God.

On the other hand the bodies of all unsaved people will be thrown out upon the ground to be shamed.

The inhabitants who survive this terrible earthquake will exist in a world of horror and chaos beyond description. Each day people will die until October 21, 2011 when God will completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants.

It’s not clear to me from this summary what will happen to the living believers in this scenario, but I assume they’re supposed to go to heaven along with the believer corpses.

Sadly, the organizers of the Run for Your Lives (“a 5k obstacle course race & scavenger hunt, infested with Zombies”) did not get the memo. They invite participants to

CELEBRATE YOUR LAST DAY WITH US at the apocalypse party

You have survived the zombie invasion (for now) so celebrate your last day with, Zombie chili, hot dogs, hamburgers, assorted beverages and the all-important antidote, Beer.

But the event is on October 22, a day too late! We will all be completely destroyed by then and unable to participate.

Want more information? Visit the Family Radio site. Feeling optimistic? Register for the Run for Your Lives.

Notes

*
The Family Radio site and related propaganda are available in an impressive number of languages (look at the scrolling list under the judgment day graphic on the main page). Note that it’s not just the graphic that changes when you select a language—all the PDFs are also translated. These people are nothing if not thorough. Except that they didn’t include Icelandic on the list, so my friends in Iceland are all going to hell. If you speak Fulfulde (who knew?!), though, you’re covered. ↵
†
Incidentally, the Washington Post article mentioned this Pew Research poll, which found that 41% of Americans believe that Jesus will return by 2050. Reassuringly, though, 46% do not believe this. ↵
 Humor, Idiocy, Religion  No Responses »  Tagged with:
 

Link: Marcel the Shell with Shoes On

 Posted by Bill on October 24, 2010 at 9:20 pm  Humor
Oct 242010
 

I don’t generally do “cute” but this is: cute stop-motion animation

Continue reading at vimeo.com  »
 Tagged with: ,

Quoth the raven nevermore

 Posted by Bill on October 14, 2010 at 11:17 pm
Oct 142010
 

Raven

Neerav Bhatt

If Edgar Allan Poe had been Icelandic, “The Raven” might have turned out very differently for the smug bird.

Last week in the Icelandic town of Grundahverfi, a woman found a raven terrifying her child and dog:

The raven landed on our patio…The raven perched on the patio wall and stared …The child was terrified, screamed and ran inside with the dog. If I hadn’t managed to close the door the raven would have followed them inside. The beast then hung around on the patio croaking viciously for a long time.

Staring and croaking, of course, is exactly the sort of hooliganism that Poe’s raven was up to. Unlike the housewife in Grundahverfi, who knew better than to allow such a thing of evil into her home, Poe’s narrator foolishly flung open his shutter to allow the ominous bird of yore to flutter in and perch above the chamber door. From this perch the grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt fowl proceeded to croak at the poor man repeatedly, with its fiery eyes burning into his bosom’s core.

The narrator, not equipped with a telephone to summon assistance or a baseball bat to whack the thing with, could do no better than to plead with the craven bird to leave his home. This proved ineffectual, and the shrieking, emotionally-broken man was left to live out his days under the demon’s mocking shadow and incessant croaking.

In Iceland, though, people are of necessity more resourceful. The woman did exactly what you would expect: she telephoned the police.

I imagine the call went something like this:

“Police department. What’s your emergency?”

“Oh, it’s just ghastly!”

“What is it? Another volcanic eruption?”

“No! It’s [unintelligible sobbing]—”

“Oh, god! Not more psychopathic Americans on a killing spree!”

“No, it’s a horrible beast, tossed here ashore by a tempest!”

“You mean another polar bear floated over from Greenland?”

“No, no—worse! It’s a raven! A ghastly, grim, and ancient raven!”

“Put your head at ease, ma’am. We’re on our way!”

Fearful that the menacing bird might stab someone in the heart with its beak, an intrepid police officer “terminated” it, shouting, I imagine, “Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore, bitch!”

And that’s one raven that won’t be quoting at anyone any more.

* * *

News sources do not specify exactly how the raven was “terminated,” but police made it clear that no firearms were involved, “because that would not have been practical in the middle of a residential area.” As a friend of Bill’s Head has observed, if the Icelandic police want to be better prepared next time, they could learn a thing or two from police in Washington, DC, about shooting animals in the middle of a residential area.

 Humor, Iceland  No Responses »  Tagged with:
 

Link: Playing fiddle while driving

 Posted by Bill on September 14, 2010 at 9:03 pm  Humor, Iceland
Sep 142010
 

Reykjavík Police stopped a man who had been reported to be playing a fiddle while driving

Continue reading at icelandreview.com  »
 

Donovan McNabb: King of ATMs, branches, and misplaced modifiers

 Posted by Bill on September 14, 2010 at 4:47 pm
Sep 142010
 

On Sunday my Washington Post arrived wrapped in an ad for Capital One Bank.

Apparently they blew their whole budget on the media buy and didn’t save anything for copyediting, competent typography, or realistic photo fakery.

Donovan1

The half-width first page covering my paper has a picture of an African-American man squinting/scowling/smiling at a map while the Washington Monument looms behind him. Above him is this copy:

DONOVAN
MAY
BE NEW
IN TOWN

Here’s what I got from this at a quick glance:

  • Donovan May must be a sports star of some sort, because otherwise Capital One would not be putting him on a front-page ad in The Washington Post.
  • Are they really using “black” English (“Donovan May be new in town”) in a front-page ad in The Washington Post?

I reread that twice before I realized that “May” was not the guy’s last name, despite being visually grouped with his first name through the use of color.

I opened the ad and had a few new mysteries to confront.

Donovan2

First the visual mystery: Donovan is now standing in a Capital One parking lot, still holding his map, now squinting into the sky. The Washington Monument is gone. How did he get there? Is that why he looks incredulous? Behind him (out of his line of sight, as far as I can tell, so that’s not what he’s squinting at), a giant red push-pin is sticking into the pavement as hapless citizens look perplexed. Thank god there’s no baby in that stroller! Why is that woman running toward the giant pin of death?!

Then the grammatical mystery. Splashed across a page and a half I read this:

BUT WITH
THE MOST
BRANCHES
& ATMS
IN DC		 HE HAS NO PROBLEM
FINDING HIS
CAPITAL ONE BANK

If Donovan himself already has the most branches and ATMs in the city, what does he need with Capital One? And how do those branches and ATMs help him find his bank? Presumably they meant to say that Capital One has the most branches and ATMs, but misplaced their modifier on the way to print.

One mystery, at least, is solved: down at the bottom I read this: “Donovan McNabb, one of Capital One Bank’s newest customers.” Google tells me I was right: he’s a sports star of some sort.

 Advertising, Humor, Language  No Responses »  
 
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