Dear Grocer (or, rather, manager of my neighborhood’s outpost of the multinational holding company’s Mid-Atlantic supermarket chain):^*

Like most other retailers (and, worse, restaurants) these days, you think that you need to play music at me while I am in your establishment. You think that I cannot stand to have silence. You think that the music will fool me into thinking I am having a good time. You even have research that suggests it will make me stay longer and spend more money. And all of these things might be true, in the right place, with the right music. But you have neither.

Your first problem is that for the most part you play bad music. You are probably trying to play music that will be appealing (or at least inoffensive) to the largest number of people. But I am not those people, and the sort of top-40 or adult alternative pablum you tend toward sets my teeth on edge. If I wanted to listen to Billy Joel or Oasis or Coldplay or Whitney Houston or fake jazz or whatever this other crap is, I would stay home and listen to top-40 radio.

Your second problem is that the music is usually too loud, so it’s like having people with piercing voices, or whining voices, or otherwise annoying voices, yelling at me the whole time I am there.

Your third problem is that you rearranged the store three years ago, and despite the fact that I come here twice a week I still have not gotten used to where everything is, so I often end up confused and disoriented and in a bad mood even before I notice the music assaulting me.

Your fourth problem is this: it’s a grocery store. Going to the grocery store is generally one of two things for me:

1) It is an onerous chore that must be got through as quickly as possible. I would rather finish my shopping in silence and then go listen to whatever music I want at home, where music belongs. Listening to crappy music played too loud makes my head hurt and just makes me want to get out of there even faster. Sometimes I skip non-critical items on my list and hope that next time I come, the acoustic environment will be more tolerable and I will be able to stay long enough to get everything I need.

2) Or, it is an escape from home and/or work. A brief respite in the middle of the day. A chance to get out in the world, away from the desk and the computer. If it were peaceful and quiet I might linger—any excuse to avoid returning to The Grind. I might browse the bounteous aisles and be tempted into buying things that aren’t on my list. “Maybe I need some of those sugar cookies,” I might say, or “Maybe I should buy some lobster tails for dinner!” But the music! It doesn’t stop! It turns my escape into torture! No sugar cookies! No lobster tails! Just get the lettuce and the on-sale chicken and let’s get the hell out of here!

So please, dear Grocer, file this away with the rest of your “research” and keep it in mind next time you’re picking the soundtrack for my shopping.