[Editor’s note: This will be mildly amusing to a few of you. The rest of you should just come back another time.]
I set out for Costco today to buy a three-pound bag of almonds. I didn’t have any urgent need for almonds, or any need at all, really: I had told a friend I would get her some the next time I was there.
I did, however, have a need to go to Five Guys for lunch. Not enough need, apparently, because I was having trouble talking myself into it. I wanted to go but I also didn’t want to go. It was that kind of day. I sure didn’t want to be at the office, working. Then I remembered the almonds. Almonds at Costco. Costco is in the same shopping center as Five Guys. “Since I need to go to Costco anyway,” I thought, ignoring the fact that I didn’t really need to go to Costco, “I might as well go to Five Guys for lunch first.”
I had a list of things that I actually did need from Costco, but I wasn’t in the mood for that much shopping, so the list stayed home. I had three goals: fries, burger, almonds.
At Five Guys, I had a good omen:
Some people are happy when their horoscope tells them it will be a good day. I laugh at these people, but I am happy when the Universe, operating through my food receipt, tells me that I am Number One.
After a satisfying lunch, which involved plenty of mayonnaise, I went next door to Costco. In the parking lot I was almost run over by a minivan while I was busy mocking this:
Inside, I quickly ran into the seasonal section of the store and found this:
Now, this is funny all by itself to me and those of you who are still reading, especially with the Santa Claus looming in the background reminding us of the true meaning of Christmas. What makes it extra funny, though it’s not so clear in the picture, is that all the figures are set up in slightly the wrong position, so their adoring gazes are not falling on baby Jesus (who, by the way, is seriously creepy, and not that much smaller than the donkey and the bull, who are in turn smaller than the adults). And the one king seems to be making his offering to the donkey, not to the savior, and the donkey looks like it’s totally up for that.
And the Virgin Mary can be proud of the Christmas wrap industry that is already, mere hours after her child’s birth, springing up to help us celebrate him.
I know exactly what sort of person likes a Santa bust like that, because as I was standing there giggling and taking the picture, a woman walked by, remarking to her grandchildren, “isn’t that lovely!”
There was more entertainment in the holiday gift section:
Nearby was a tiny Korean woman testing out the ping pong table, but I failed to get a picture of that because I was busy trying to figure out how to make my BlackBerry record a video.
I usually bypass the free food samples, but today they were handing out brownies!
The nice free sample lady told me several times that they were very, very hot and I should wait a few minutes, but still I put the whole thing in my mouth and was badly burned. If any of my lawyer friends are still reading, please give me a call.
On the way out of the store I noticed a really bizarre guy sitting in the dining area, and at first I thought he was in a Halloween costume. Big clunky shoes, loose pants with suspenders, something that looked like a blood stain on his shirt collar, and a weird face that was sort of blotchy but also looked like it had white makeup. Also he had an entire roasted chicken on the plate in front of him. I circled back to take a picture just as his wife sat down with him, and realized that he was not in costume. I can’t show you the picture, unfortunately, because once I obscure his face out of respect for his privacy it’s not funny any more. Also, disappointingly, he didn’t eat the whole chicken: most of it was still there on the bone when he put the lid back on the container.
Oh, I did remember to get the almonds, by the way. Also a dozen toothbrushes and eight pounds of chicken breasts.